Looking Back...

After all the pain of losing my Mom and Michon so close together,the next few weeks were weird. All the things I was planning on helping my Dad with before Michon died kind of got pushed aside. I try to call Him and go see Him and we have been able to spend a little time with Him, but this is His busiest time of year. The cows are at the winter range and calving so He is caught up with all that. I think it has helped Him alot. He is with my brother Mike. He talks to Mitch almost daily. At one point Jeff and I went to help Him go through a few things but, once we got there He made some excuses and I guess wasnt ready to do it. We had a good visit which is what I think He wanted most.

I spent alot of time with Kaden the next few weeks as well. It was hard and I didn't want to bother Him. But, He had so much to do and He had gotten sick the day after the funeral and was barely functioning a few days. Michons family helped out alot and took Karver too. I think we all just wanted to make sure He was hanging on. I knew it helped Him to spend time with them and I think it helped them to spend time with He and Karver too. He did all their laundry and one day I helped Him hang up and fold all Her clothes. Oh my, that was so so hard!! We cried and talked the whole time. So many worries and concerns. I will always treasure that time with him though. There were so many painful things He had to do. Filing tons of paper work and changing names on accounts and such. I could see the pain everytime He tackled one of those things...It was horrible to watch.

I had some experiences through this whole thing that made me realize how important it is to listen to the spirit and your intuition. I have always said Heavenly Father knows I am not strong when it comes to change. This is very true when things are really hard. I have had endless experiences with what I would call warnings to prepare me for different things. A few days before my Mom got hurt, we dropped by to say Hello for a min on our way home from Logan. We stayed about and hour I would say. When I was hugging my Mom good-bye she said "come and visit me sometime, not dropping in on your way to or from somewhere but, come to visit me" I told Her I would but, with work and family I didn't get back there that week. I should have listened. I am grateful though that when I found out what happend that I followed my instincts and left for Cedar right then. I am grateful the prompting to cancel Preschool for those two days before Thanksgiving. I am grateful that I went back the next two days, even though we had company and lots to do. I am grateful that I woke Her up to say good-bye that Monday. I am grateful that I felt the urgency to drive fast the morning She died. Even though I barely made it there in time, I needed and wanted to be there.

I am grateful I felt the need to try to spend time with Michon and Kaden more in November and December. After Preschool started and I wasn't tending Karver a few times a week , It seemed like we didn't see each other as much. We always texted and talked and Callie and I had gone over a few times but, unless we were doing a family thing we didn't see each other as often. I am gratful She brought Karver here on Halloween because I got some cute photos of them. I was going over there but, She stopped me because they wanted to get out of the house and I am glad she did because I hadn't remember to take my camera. I look back and think of little things that make me aware that this was the plan. I think the plan stinks but, that doesn't mean I don't believe it to be true.

A few weeks before Michon died I had pulled into Harts parking lot to get a Pepsi (surprise.) Jeff and I mostly go together if He is not working so, it was unusual for me to be alone. Right as I pulled in the song "Sissys Song" came on the radio. I had always loved the song and wondered if Alan Jackson had lost a daughter He had written the song for. I usally got teary eyed as it played but this time, as I sat there I listend to the whole song and cried. I couldn't get out of the car. I started thinking about our daughters and daughters in law. I went through each one in my mind and even thought if it would be easier to lose one over another. I quickly tried to brush that feeling out of my mind convincing myself I was letting my mind wander and hating the thought that it could really happen. It sounds dumb I know but, when the time came to choose the song for the funeral I never even thought of it . Her family did and as soon as Kaden told me they had I knew it was perfect and it scared me. A warning maybe but, at the time I would have never dreamed it was.

I remember being annoyed Friday Night that we couldn't go see Her the nignt before She died.
  I remember that on Friday it was nagging at me to pay our bills. I usally do that on the 10th of the month. Since the 10th was Monday I would have normally done it then. But, for some reason I sat down on the 7th and did all that. I remember it bugging me enough that I finally just paid them. I remember even telling Jeff that I paid all the bills and got them out of the way. I know that if I wouldn't have done it, I would never have had the mind set or time to remember to do it or get it done.
 Little things I know but, also things that tell me I am being watched over always. I know that not once did it occur to me that we would have to face all these trials in such a short period of time. I for sure never thought about losing Michon so young. I for sure never thought Kaden would be a Widower at 29 or that Karver would lose his Momma. But, I guess when it all boils down to it I just have to know that the spirit is there for many reasons.