Facing Christmas

Christmas was looming. Jeff and I had no desire to shop. Thankfully,thinking we would see Ashlyn and Ethan during December I had bought a few things for them. I didn't get everything I planned but, one day at Walmart I got some of it. I remember Jeff asking why I was getting stuff that day? He thought we had plenty of time. He thought we should just go out one day and do it all. I was worried that if I didn't grab a few things here and there we would be stressed out. All the "boys" here love construction equipment so we had decided to get them small replicas of John Deere dump trucks and a backhoe. I ordered some in advance and then when we couldn't get all we wanted Jeff found them online and we got them all here. Whew... one less thing to worry about. Usually we do a couples gift for all the married kids and now that wouldn't be appropriate so we had to change all our ideas. Callies nice camera needed to be ordered.We had nothing for Amber Lee and Shawn and Amber or I could have sent that home with them after the funeral. I felt bad but, I was so numb while they were here I just handed them a Walmart bag with the kids presents unwrapped and asked them to forgive me and wrap them for me when they got home.

One day Jeff and I went out and tried to shop since the big day was close. We put on our happy faces as best we could. We had our list but, it was hard work and I mostly wanted to go home. We got a few things done that day but, everytime someone said Merry Christmas I wanted to punch them in the face or break down in tears and tell them to shut up! I tried to find the Hallmark bear for Karvers song here and they had one left. it didn't work. We got Kenna a bunny to talk to her thinking She might like to hear our voices and Hers worked fine. When I went back to trade the bear they were all out. I did break down there and tell the poor girls I HAD to have that bear. It would be the most important gift I gave. They called around and couldn't find one. I was devestated. I found a lullabye bear that seemed to babyish but, I was desperate so I bought it. When I got home it was one you had to sing the lullabye song on to the music. Lame. I felt so deafeated. When I talked to Lindsey She said She would check the Hallmark in Logan and She found one. Relief ..one thing had gone right. A few days later I returned the dumb bear and the same girls asked about it. I lost it and told them what happened. We were all crying when I left, it was embarrasing. I hadn't told them I had one on the way, I don't know why but, a few days later one of the girls called me all excited and told me they had found one. I felt so bad but , I thanked them profusly. That girl had gone through every receipt to find my name and number! Hallmark girls are Awesome!!

We still never bought gifts for Shawn and Amber ( I think we sent those with our Valentines) Gratefully they are sweet and I know they understood. I can honestly say I can't remember what I got Jeff or He got me. I know we did a few small things for each other. I had passed out some of our neighbor gifts before Michon died and I didn't do anymore after. All the things that I thought were important suddenly didn't seem to matter anymore. I tried to have fun for the Grandkids sake and I tried to focus on the Savior but, it wasn't easy. Listening to Christmas music or any music at that point brought me to tears. Church was and still is hard. Seeing people who I hadn't talked to yet was horrible. Sleeping was almost impossible. Waking up every morning and realizing it was all for real was just another kick in the stomach.

We all dreaded Christmas Day. It was our turn to have all the kids here for dinner and gifts but, I knew Kaden would need to be with Michons family. Usually I would be hurt if they didn't spend the day with us but, this year I didn't care. He needed to do whatever He could to get through the day and that made sense to me. The only good things that could possibly come out of all this is we had Kaden ,Karver and Michon on our Thanksgiving Tablecloth. We found joy in the baby news!! We spent our first Thanksgiving without my Mom which was hard but hopefully will make it easier next year in some way. And as awful as it was we also got the "dreaded" the first Christmas without both of them out of the way and although it was way hard when next Christmas rolls around, I hope it will be a little easier as well. Having Lindsey's family here was pretty much what made the week before Christmas bearable and somewhat fun but, all in all it was just feels like part of bad dream to me.