Going through the motions.....

I don't know at what point in my life, I thought I would be planning a funeral. I do know I guess I really never thought it would happen. I know my kids had never lost anyone close to them in their lives. My Grandma died about 5 years ago and that is the closest they had come to losing someone they know. I had lost Aunts and Grandparents as an adult and I had been through some really hard deaths with good friends over the years as well. I am the kind of person who takes things in and can't let go. Even when I don't know a person well or maybe even their family, death has always hit me hard. When I hear a story about the loss of a child my heart breaks. I can't get their family off my mind. I start to worry about our family. It can keep me up at night. I for sure have anxiety about things like that. I have said a million times. "Mommys shouldn't have to die. No child should have to lose their Mommy" It makes no sense to me. It seems unfair and stupid yet, all over the world little children face this crisis in their lives and I hate it!

 As a grown women I had nearly lost my Mom over a dozen times. I have sat by her bed for weeks at a time. I have stayed in ICU for days. I have traveled to various hospitals not knowing if she would be alive when I got there. And guess what? She always was. Then out of the blue with no real signs the end came. It only took a few days. We didn't have much notice. The warnings we got didn't last as long as we thought. It started and ended in 4 days. There was time to say good-bye. There was time for closure. There was time for expression of wishes and feelings. The funeral was planned. The arrangements were made. There was sadness and grief and there was even regrets but, there was also relief and happiness. The plan was set in motion and we just followed the plan. It wasn't easy but, as I have said before it made sense.

 Then here we sat less than three weeks later at my kitchen table surrounded by Michons family and some of ours and we had a job to do. It was a hard long painful job. No one could do but us. None of us wanted to do it. If not for my Moms I wouldn't even know where to start. Kaden and Karver came first. They came with Casey and Braeden. Kaden looked as horrible as he felt and it was impossible not to break down. One by one the rest of Her family followed. We all had swollen eyes and heavy hearts. A few people started to talk about how hard the night had been. Ours was terrible. Jeff and I had cried all night. Neither of us had slept. I was sick for Kaden. Sick for Karver and sick with worry. I almost called him in the middle of the night to see if I could come over. I had hoped Casey had stayed with him but, He didn't. The more they talked about how awful their night was the more my heart sank. Finally Kaden said " You should have been home alone." Everyone shut up.

We waited for the Mortician to come. He was there soon after. It was time to get down to buisness and we were barely functioning. The day before we had chose to have the funeral Tuesday. It was the best for our family to come down. Lindsey, Travis and Callie had finals. Lindsey had to travel 6 hours stay one day and head back. Shawn and Amber had to be in Vegas Wednesday. It needed to be Tuesday and that was only 3 days away. Much of what needed to be done had to wait until Monday so, we tackled what we could. Michons Dad had writted a rough draft of her Obituary. It was perfect. With a few small changes it was done. We went through the program chose speakers and songs. Angie, Crystal and I agreed to speak. I wanted to, I had to, I needed closure. I wanted to pay tribute to this wonderful girl who stole our Sons heart , A girl I loved like a daughter. The Momma to our beautiful little Grandson and our sweet little Grandchild we had yet to meet. Picking the music was hard. Strattons had family to sing a version of I know my Reedeemer lives. It was perfect. We found Hymms but no one could think of a song that meant something to them. They all decided to think about it that night. The time came for Kaden to choose a Casket. What 29 year old boy should have to do that. We looked at pictures. He told us we could go to the mortuary and see what they had. They were pink and shiny and white and glitzy. My Moms was Cedar wood. It was really pretty. We looked at those and the prices were scary. Kaden joked with Joe that He and His Dad should just whip one up. We all laughed, they did wood work and had made some cool things for Michon that she loved. Then Kaden said, " Yeah Joe then we can paint it barn red for Her. I said "We could hit it with a hammer a few times and then sand it down and distress it." We all knew She would love it but we also knew there was no time. It was decided that Kaden and Jeff and a few others would go to the funeral home in the morning and look.


Sometime during the whole planning thing we chose Paulbears and talked about flowers. We decided on one viewing and running the obituary. We covered funeral lunches and made calls to Bishops. All the things it takes to make a funeral. It was hard and depressing and we were all in shock still. The Mortician started talking about money. Pretty much we were informed that until the services are paid for you are not allowed to take the body. THAT was a shock to me. I mean really who has $6,000 or more laying around. The night before My Dad had called. His heart was pretty tender. He could barely speak. He told me tell Kaden He would pay for everything. He and Kaden have always been close. I know He would have done this for any of us. But esp Kaden. Kaden broke down when I told Him that night. When we told Michons parents they were overcome. None of us could go without crying. What a burden had been lifted. There was a small life insurance plan but, Kaden didn't know about that until later. It wouldn't have been enough anyway. Michons parents had talked about a loan. We had a settlement check for Jeffs truck being totaled and Jeff said I guess thats why we couldn't find a truck to buy. I told Them my Dad would take care of it. Even though my Dad was out of town, They worked it out on the phone. I am SO grateful to Him for that. It doesn't matter that He had the money to do it. It mattered that he wanted to do it. For that we were all so very grateful.

Kaden works for Santa Clara City. He called His boss. They were going to meet in the morning to choose a plot. In the end the city donated it to Kaden. Another blessing! Our ward had put together a really nice meal it was perfect. They came when we were pretty much done planning. While we ate we talked about other things. It was a really tough time. In the middle of the meal, Joe got up and left the room. He had been prettty strong through the whole thing. I admired that because it was so hard on Angie and She needed support. That was one thing I think all us girls were grateful for. The guys were being strong while we all fell apart. That made it harder on Kaden and Casey though. They were the ones going home alone at night.

When most of us were done eating, Joe came back in crying. He asked Kaden to come outside. They were gone for a few minutes and then they both came back in tears. One of them told us that Joe had called his Dad and they had decided to make the casket for Michon, if that was ok with everyone. It was a pretty special thing. His Dad had told Joe He would work through the night if He had to but, they would get it done by Monday night and deliver it to the mortuary in time. It was amazing to me how everyone would come together and work things out. Volunteering to do their part. Loving Michon and Kaden enough to do whatever they could to help. Again if my memory serves me right. The Strattons left with a plan to meet Kaden later at the house to go through her clothes. They would talk about a song and anything else they needed to. We decided the girls would meet in the morning at 10:00 to see if we could get flowers we wanted that fast. After Shawn and Amber came and we had visited Kaden left.

Later I texted him with a song idea. "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. He said they were thinking of "Sissy's song." by Alan Jackson I had , had an odd experience with that song a few weeks earlier and I knew for sure it was right. I texted Him back and said "Perfect!"

The girls in both families met at the florist Monday morning. We soon decided it would have been good to wait for the funeral until Wednesday but, by then it was too late. We had lost a day of planning because of Sunday but we were all working together to get things done. It was really hard to choose flowers. It was so emotional and hard. Before we headed to the florist. Jeff and I met Kaden on the red hill to get Karver. They were meeting Shawn in Santa Clara . The guys were going to choose the plot and talk to the mortician and a few other things. I asked Kaden about the flowers. After all the spray for the casket was for Michon from Him and Karver. He was unsure really. We didn't really know Her favorite flower other than what she had used for the wedding. I also had to ask him what He wanted the ribbons to say. He stood there a long time trying to maintain His composure. I tried to offer a few ideas but, it's hard to know whats in someone's heart. I told Him we could do one from Karver, One from Him and one for the baby from them both. He listened to my suggestions but, wasn't really saying a whole lot. Karver was getting antsy in the seat and Jeff was trying to entertain Him. I said ok from Karver let's put "Love You Momma.." (thats his famous line She had taught him) We always say "Love you" Then He says "Love you too". For the baby we could put..offered a few ideas again. He told me to just put whatever I thought was best. Then for Michon I asked again. I told him most people just put. Wife , Mother or something like that. I told him I thought they would do whatever He wanted even if it was more than one word. Atfer another long pause He mustard us the strenght to tell me He always called her "My Beautiful Brown eyed girl." That was it , it is sweet and tender and it was His way of showing Her His love.

 The girl who worked there knew Kaden through a friend. She helped us alot. When I started telling Her about the ribbons She told us that "normally" people only put one or two words like Wife, Mother etc. I asked her how long each one could be. After telling Her what He wanted to say she was very sweet and complied. We settled on "Little one" for the baby. Our family chose a really pretty swag on a stand. It was the same style as Her family's so we thought it would look nice. On our ribbon we put "Love you Shon" Thats what all the kids called her. Her Mom and Sisters were off to shop for some things for Michon and we headed home with Karver.

Later in the day Kaden, Shawn, Jeff and Casey headed over to Hurricane to see the casket progess. We kept Karver. Callie ,Amber and I were sitting around. I told them how I had been going to hang my "gallery wall" down the stairs for months. First by Halloween. Didn't happen. They , by Thanksgiving, My Moms death put that on hold and then I promised by the time Shawn and Amber were here and the kids were staying. They had left their Kids home because the plan wasn't going to work. I was sad but also grateful. It would have been hard on all of us and no fun. Michon had been one of the girls who was making fun of me. She was the last one I had promised it would be done before the kids came. In fact, I had texted Her the day she went to the hospital and asked Her which Her favorite wedding picture was. She never answered me back because of everything going on. So..Callie said "lets hang the pictures right now." Lindsey and Callie had tried to get me to do it another time but, this time I had all the pictures ready to do it. We decided to go for it. It was pretty fun and easy and gave us something to do . I was excited to get it done and I am sure Michon was laughing at the timing of the whole thing. Lindsey and Her family were on the way down from Logan. Jamie came in while we hanging pictures. Clint and the boys were at His Moms and Jeff was outside cooking trash can turkey. We had plans to go to the Mortuary at 7:00 to do Her makeup and hair. I knew it would be hard. We all did but, we also wanted to do it. Lindsey arrived in time to shove dinner down before we left. Kaden and all the guys had been over working non stop on the casket. Crystal and Michons family was doing the upholstry so they were crunched for time. it was crazy but we all made it over there in time.

 I had been pondering all day about going over to help prepare Michons body. As soon as the mortuary guy asked about helping Crystal and Jamie said they wanted to help. Jamie doing her hair and Crystal doing her makeup. I think that made perfect sense for Michon. Jamie always did her hair and Crystal has the knack for anything artistic. I knew I wanted to be there. I didn't really have the option with my Mom so this would be the first time I had ever experienced something like this. Her Mom , Angie, Callie, Lindsey, Amber and I all wanted to be there too. Amber said She would be ok with doing anything the other girls couldn't I thought that was really sweet. Amber Lee was flying in so Shawn would pick her up while we were there. Jeff , Travis and Shawn stayed with the kids including Karver.

 Kaden and all the boys were bringing the casket over from Hurricane. When we got to the mortuary, the wife of the mortician came out and talked to us a little. Jamie was the only one who had ever helped prepare a body before. I must say I was very proud of Jamie. I know She loves Michon but, I guess I never thought she would be able to do her hair. She was very strong about it and I could see the love and care her and Crystal had as they did their job. When we first went in it was hard. She was very very pale. I guess that makes sense but she had no makeup at all so it kind of took me off guard. Most of us started to cry immediatly. Angie left the room struggling. Callie and the others sat down. Crystal and Jamie went to work. I went out to check on Angie and sit with Her. I totally understood where she was coming from. It was hard! I went in and out for awhile.

 When the guys started bringing in the casket We all broke out in tears again. It was beautiful!!! It was Michon all the way. I couldn't even imagine it more perfect. There were a few things that needed finishing up and while they were working on it ,the girls were in with Michon still. They did a beautiful job. It was so comforting when she was ready. Pretty much everyone took a few min in there with her. Kaden too. There had been some things done so she could be a donor that had made it harder for the mortuary. Kaden was upset. The donor place said it wouldn't change her appearence but it did. That was hard for all of us I think but, mostly Kaden. I told her goodbye and promised her once again we would take care of Karver and Kaden. While the guys got the casket all finished up. Amber and Angie helped put the trim on the lining. Some of Evelyns friends and their family had helped them do the lining. It was so so pretty!! When they were done the mortuary people were pretty impressed too. While we were there they also had us proof the programs and choose fonts and picture placement and the type of paper. We had chose the pictures before. They turned out really pretty in the end. It was pretty late when we got done.

 Kaden had wanted Karver to come over and draw on the inside lid of the casket. He had brought markers for him. It was just so late we knew he would be too tired. Kaden didn't want Karver to see Michon since he wouldn't understand so they decided to have him do it after the viewing. Just pull off the lid and let him draw before the funeral started. Amber Lee and Shawn had come over to get Amber and Jeff and Travis still had Karver so everyone left and went back to wherever they needed to be. Kaden came over to get Karver and hung out awhile. When it was time to go I walked him out. After he got Karver in his seat, we started talking. It was freezing out there and I had no coat or shoes but I stood outside with him for almost and hour and we talked about all sorts of things. It was hard and I didn't have all the answers he wanted but , It meant alot to me to have that time with him. It was so hard to send him home again but, He wouldn't stay over so off He went again to go home to an empty bed. It was just so so hard. Once again I felt helpless.

The next day would be the funeral. I don't know when I thought reality would set in but, for me at least it just didn't happen anytime soon. Here I sit telling this story alomst 3 months later and I still am not sure It has. I am up at night worrying about Kaden and Karver. I can't focus in the day because I am always worrying about them. Everytime I look at her picture, My heart still skips a beat. When I want to text her or tell her something it jars me back to reality. When I wake up on a Saturday morning I go over that day again and again. I check the clock and remember each detail just like it was yesterday. I am hoping with time and some therapy including this blog, the pain will fade a little. After writing about my Mom I felt a little more at peace with the whole thing. It just such a different thing. My pain is deep. Watching Kadens is unbearable. Worrying for Karvers future is heartbreaking and knowing her family is hurting so much makes it all so much harder. Hopefully in time , We can all focus on the good and Kaden will find healing for his heart.