Paddock Family Reunion

When we planned this reunion about a year ago , I was pretty excited. We were going to celebrate Jeff 's parents 80th birthdays and have a get together. It has been several years since the last one so it was time to do it again.

My excitement for the reunion was really more focused on the fact that for the first time in years ALL
our kids and grandkids would be there. As I have mentioned many times, I have been waiting a really long time to update our family picture. Having Shawn and Amber's family and Amber Lee there would make a complete picture. Jamie and Michon would have new babies and it would be the perfect time to get a picture that wouldn't need updating for awhile
.
I talked about this with all the girls. We had decided in the fall to go ahead and get one before summer just because I had waited so long. It never quite happened and of course now it never will. Oh what I would give to have that picture! I guess Kaden and Michons wedding picture is the one we will always treasure. Someday we can move on and update without her and the baby, but I for one am not ready for that yet. Maybe it's because I am still in denial, or maybe its' because that seems like we would be taking the steps to go on without them. Either way it is still too early for all of us, esp. Kaden to feel like a complete family without them.

As the reunion grew closer, I became more and more anxious about the whole thing. I have been having panic attacks in crowds and been overly emotional since losing my mom and Michon. A huge part of that is that I have no control over everyone's happiness and that as a daughter and mother is hard for me. My dad is off at the cabin and chasing cows as he runs from facing the fact my mom is gone. Kaden is doing anything and everything he can to avoid being with our family and being at home alone. During the week, I can get my dad by phone sometimes. I have even seen him in person a few times, but as the months go by it is obvious that I am not helping him cope in any way and that is really hard for me.
I see Kaden once a week when I tend Karver. He has not opened up to me at all for months. Sometimes we talk on the phone or text a little, but for the most part I do not feel a part of their lives at all. That is killing me slowly. As a mother you want to help take away the pain or at least share the burden of your child's pain and as of now he is not letting me do either. It keeps me up at night with worry for him and Karver's future and I feel like I am falling apart in every other aspect of my life. I miss them all, and long to go back and fix anything I may have said or done wrong,.That is not to be and so I am struggling more than I have ever struggled with anything in my life. While my life reels out of control, I am still trying to be a good  daughter, wife, mom and grandma to the rest of our family, but I feel like I am failing in a big way.

The rest of my life, church, preschool and other basic things are not any better, because I just don't care. Depression has set in and it is affecting everything. I hope someday I can move on and be back to myself , but for now it looks like a very long road to me. Jeff and the girls have been good to me. I can't complain because of lack of support from them. I am grateful for their help and love, and my friends who can see that this is a slow process for me and are still putting up with me. All of them together are keeping me alive and trying, but our lives have changed forever and I can't fix it, so I feel helpless and sad and it is a daily challenge to get through a day.

I started dreading the reunion long ago. On the one hand I was so excited to time with our Phoenix family. It would be fun to visit with them and try to work on our relationship with Ashlyn and Ethan. On the other hand I worried about weather Kaden would be able to handle it. I knew it would be hard for him, I was worried about that more than anything. I also knew that everyone else would be doing pictures and that was going to be really hard for all of us. I talked to Kaden about it and told him we were all fine with doing the large group picture, but we would not break off into small groups like the others because I knew it would be too hard. He seemed to be reassured with that and so I told him what I really wanted was to get a picture of all the grandkids since having them together is so rare. I thought he understood how important that was and seemed to be fine with that. Through the weeks before the reunion I sent out assignments to everyone for our family as I got them and made sure everyone know the schedule.

As the weekend drew closer my "sweet volunteer happy husband" (sarcasm) said he would be happy to do all the shopping and cooking for the weekend. He does this at every event we ever attend. It has always bothered me, not just because it is a lot of work for me, but because that means we spend very little time enjoying our family or what ever we are doing because he is distracted by his job. I never look forward to anything when he does this. I usually sit around by myself hating it. I tried helping him when he does these things, but he is so focused on doing it his way that I am in the way. He also talks to everyone else who happens to be helping so again I am left to sit there. Long ago I started resenting this, but I was more capable of handling it than I am now. The second he told me what he had done, my heart sank and I knew that would be even harder for me to be there. Not that I would be alone. I knew I could enjoy the kids and grandkids and was looking forward to that. It's just that sometimes it would be nice to enjoy my time with him, instead of dreading every event. Jeff worked his butt of to prepare and make the weekend a success. It worked and everyone was impressed with all he had done. I guess I should be more grateful, but mostly I just want more of him.

 All these things put together with my out of control emotions made me want to forgo the whole event. Having Shawn's family, Amber Lee and Josh and the rest of our family were the only thing getting me up on that mountain. I knew I would be taking my own car, because of course Jeff would go early to set things up. Actually that was one thing that gave me comfort. That made it so I could bolt if I needed to and so this time I liked the idea of that. About a week before the reunion I talked to Kaden again about the time frame of everything. I guess I didn't say the exact dates because he had asked me a few weeks before. As time grew closer I worried more, but I thought because of the importance of the event and because Shawn was coming that he would at least make an appearance. After Jeff and I did all the shopping Thursday, before he left to go get everything ready he talked to Kaden.  Kaden invited us up to his property to camp. Jeff reminded him of the reunion the next day and he said he didn't know it was this weekend and that he already had plans with Casey, Michon's brother. I figured, well I guess I hoped he would change that plan but he didn't. Shawn texted Kaden Friday morning and Kaden told him the same thing. Still we all hoped we would see him for a little bit of the weekend. Even a few hours.

I decided I wanted to take Braxton and Kashden up with Callie and I Friday morning so they could play with the cousins. Jamie wasn't coming until the next day so I figured they would miss out on things. After I met Shawn and them at Costco to get the cake and some other last minute things, we headed out. We met Jamie in Cedar to get the boys and off we went. Lindsey had been feeling rotten the day before with a sinus infection. Kenna and Reese had fevers and so they were hesitant to come. Friday morning they decided to come any way because they had been wanting to, so they started the long trek from Logan. I was glad they came because that made cousin time more fun for everyone. The kids had a bawl from the get go. Jeff had bought a swing set and hauled a load of sand up the mountain for them. I grabbed all my sand toys, trucks and stuff and it was a success. I was a little put out by his purchase because they were only some of the things he had bought. Those on top of the fuel to go up and back several times was a lot of money and it was hardly in our budget. He also set up a tight rope line with tie down straps and that was a hit for everyone. Even the adults loved that so all in all his good ideas were just that, good ideas but I had already decided I was mad about the money so it took me a while to agree with him. Of course all the other purchases are still bugging me.

As the day went on it was fun for all of us to visit. Jeff's parents and his sisters families were coming a little at a time. The kids hit it off from the start so they were hardly around us. Jeff started fixing dinner and I helped some. Usually I would work my butt of trying to help, but I backed off a lot so I could visit and because I hadn't wanted to be in charge. He of course is perfectly capable of doing it all on his own, and he did. Dinner was great and so far things had gone well. In the evening they started playing games. I bowed out right at the beginning because that is just something I can't do right now. I think they had fun. Amber joined me in the trailer and we talked. There was dessert which we missed because I didn't know they had it and fire and all the camping things and eventually we set up beds in the cargo trailer for Grahm, Brax and Kash and they were thrilled. The boys were messing in the fire and it made me nervous. I sent our grandkids on the scavenger hunt I had prepared so that occupied them a little.  We decided Kenna should stay in our trailer with Callie since she liked it in there. Partly because she can do her own thing and be safe and partly because there is a TV. She loves her TV time so she could watch movies and was content. The night went fine and she did good. In the morning of course, she was up at the crack of dawn and so was Jeff working on breakfast. Every one else was a little slower so it was a few hours before some showed up to eat. Most of the others ate in the cabins.  After breakfast came the moment I was dreading the most.  Picture time...

 Kaden had never shown up and I was feeling a panic attack coming on. We waited for Jamie  to arrive and then they started organizing small group pictures. I was so sad while we put together our grandkids for pictures. Karver wasn't there and that hurt! Hoping he may come later we decided if they did we would some more pictures so that gave me hope. The kids did pretty good. We did some of Jeff and I with them but, I forgot to take off my sunglasses so they look funny. Everyone is so used to me wearing them all the time, no one thought of it either. We got a few pictures with most the kids looking so I was  feeling ok about that. Then they called us over for some big group shots. Those were fine, sad but doable. Once everyone started doing family pictures I lost it. It just seemed so unfair. There they were with all their family members smiling and happy and here we were standing around while I fell apart. I told our family I didn't think I could handle it. I was crying and upset. Jeff left with Boyd to look at the property line or something so he didn't even notice what was going on. Jeff's dad and the others were sympathetic and were fine with not doing ours. Of course now I really regret the fact that I didn't just suck it up and do them. Another lost chance and this time it was all my fault.

After pictures we had lunch and then the boys, dads, grandpas took off to the caves. Josh and Amber Lee went. Lindsey went with Travis and Jason's whole family went. Travis, Kaden and Jeff and I had taken our grandsons there last summer and they loved it. We knew this year all the family would love it, so off they went. Joan, Corrine and Peg took off without any of us, and Reese and Kenna were napping so Amber, Callie and Jamie and I sat around and talked. It was quiet and relaxing and that was one of the best parts or the weekend for me.

They came back a muddy mess, but everyone was happy. A big dinner was cooked with Jeff at the helm. His sisters helped the best they could. I tried to pitch in too, but it's too many cooks in the kitchen some times and that was one of them. They started up with more games, so I ditched again.
Amber and Callie and Lindsey were in and out and joined us in the trailer and we divided up the glo sticks for the kids to play with. Ethan, Jason's little boy was so cute. He became my little helper and friend. The other kids joined us and soon they were all happily playing with them. There was birthday cake and songs and some gifts and good wishes for Grandma and Grandpa Paddock and that was all really good. It had been a long day and everyone was worn out so most of them took off back to the cabins. ( did I mention most of them had cabins , lucky them.) By then Jamie and Callie took off. Callie talked me into letting her take my car because she wouldn't have a ride once Jamie took off to Enterprise. I let her  against my best judgment because that was my safety net. I knew I needed to stay though, because I needed to spend as much time as possible with Shawn's and Lindsey's families. Amber Lee, Lindsey and I stayed up really late chatting so that was good. She is a lot of fun and is super excepting of all of us so it was great to chat with her. Jeff and Josh talked into the night as well. Once we went to bed it was really late. Kenna stayed with us again and did fine. Reese and Grahm struggled all night. Jamie had taken the boys home so they were all crowded in their tent. There was breakfast and lots of cleaning up. The part I hate the most. We were the last ones to leave of course and we  headed down the mountain. Part of me was sad, part of me was upset about a lot of things  but I was glad it was over and glad I had spent some time with our family. I realized half the way home, I should have had Ashlyn and Ethan come home with us for a week. There was no reason I couldn't have. I know they would have. We could have had some alone time with them and a lot of fun. I could have kicked myself because it never even occurred to me. Some things like that tell me I am not myself. I would have jumped at the chance like we have before and my brain is too messed up for me to even think of it.

I have some pictures to add. Callie does too. I have not got them organized yet so I will post them next time. Just glad to get this posted and somewhat off my mind for now.

I have no idea why some of these words are highlighted by the way. They look normal in the draft and preview. Oh well...