A Long Sad Year

If someone would have told me a few years back, what was going to happen to our family, I would have never believed them. Obviously there would be good and bad points to knowing.

I have written my deepest feelings of heartache and joy this past year in this blog. I have sunk to the lowest of lows. A place I was sure I would never climb out from.

We have had a few choice blessings and experiences that have kept me going, but for the most part, I don't feel like myself still to this day.

I have a very strong testimony of my Savior and my Heavenly Father. Through all my despair I have felt them beside me. I KNOW that our loved ones are safe and in their presence and for all the comfort that brings, I still want them here.

I have been blessed to have a great friend who offered weeks of counsel and advice. She listened to me cry and talk for hours upon end, and I always left feeling I could make it one more week.

I have sung the song "I am a child of God" in my head more than a thousand times to help remind me of that, and also to clear my head of things I couldn't handle, and things I want to forget.

I have quit a calling, turned down another one, and refused to go to the Bishops office more than once.
I have missed church weeks in a row, even though my soul was crying out for me to go.
I have refused to talk to dear friends and family and made myself more miserable than I ever thought possible.

I have left the most important people and things to me, largely unattended to.

I have had moments of joy when felt I could go on, only to sink again.

I have watched Kaden face the reality that his wife and best friend is truly gone. I have seen him sink into the depth of despair, feel the greatest sorrow, be angry and devastated all at once.
I have watched him look at Karver with a broken heart knowing he will spend his life on earth without his Mama.
Knowing that his memories of her are fading. Knowing that her videos and pictures will someday be all he has.
I have felt what Kaden is feeling when he knows the day is coming that his little boy asks the question no little boy should ever have to ask.
Knowing a child of his age will ask over and over again.
Knowing the helpless and painful feelings it will bring as Kaden and our families try to help him understand why.
I have seen Kaden trying to fill a void no one can fill.
I have watched with pride and love as he steps up daily being the best Daddy he can be.
I have seen the love Karver has for him and the bond they are forming and that, in all this sadness brings me solace and peace.

I have seen my Dad let his guard down for the first time in my life, as he stands beside my Mom's grave and tries to hide his tears.
I have felt a connection with him, that I have never had before, as he has made himself more available to us.
I have been thankful he has "his cows" to fill his life and keep him busy.
I have watched him age, his heart soften and come to know him like never before.
I feel this is one of the "tender mercies" I have been given.


I have seen the amazing strength of my husband time and time again. From the moment my mom's health was too much for her body to handle, through the heartache of watching Michon leave us that day.
He has been a rock for Kaden when I couldn't.
He has been a loving rock for me when my heart was breaking and my mind was reeling with doubt.
He has stood up for me when I couldn't explain what I was feeling and doing.
He has let me off the hook for a million things I should have been doing and was beating myself up for.
He has knelt beside me while I sobbed uncontrollably and loved me anyway.
He has prayed for me for more than a year, because I cannot pray out loud.
He has stood beside when I couldn't face another day.
Through all this I have wondered when and if he would throw his hands up and say " I give up "  "Get it together or get out"

Never once has he made me feel anything other than support, though I have pushed him to the limit a million times, just waiting for him to let me fall.

I can't put into words anymore than I already have with this post, and all the posts before what I am feeling.

I have the most beautiful family. I know they have prayed for me, worried about me and wanted to smack me all year long.
I have seen them face the pain and sorrow as well, and for the most part show more strength than I have.
I am grateful for, and love all of them more than I can say.

Our beautiful Grandkids have given me a reason to survive.
I can picture their little faces being sad if they knew the thoughts and feelings I have been having and it keeps me going.

I am blessed, and we will go on. It may be the hardest challenge we face, and it may not.
I pray that this past year as it has come and gone, will have somehow left a little good behind.