As soon as October was coming to an end I realized that I was running out of time for denial. My mom died November 20th 2012 . That week marked the beginning of the worst year of our lives. I had been dreading it for months and as soon as it was time to flip the calendar to November, I began the count down. Week by week, day by day.
A few weeks before that Crystal, Michon's sister came up with an idea to honor Michon through the holidays. She is printed up some cute cards with Michon's picture on it and a little about her. It talks about doing random acts of kindness in her memory from now until Christmas. Each time you do one you pass on a card, so they in turn can pass it on as well.. The idea of course is to spread kindness in her memory to as many people as possible before Christmas. I love the idea. The givers and receivers have the option to post on her blog the kind acts so we can see what happened and enjoy the ideas and kind acts. I printed and laminated cards for all of us so we can get started. I have a few ideas I think Michon would like. The first thing I did was to pay to light a light in her name of the Christmas Tree at the hospital. It is a donation to the foundation there. I am hoping to gather Michon's and our family there on December 1st when they light the tree, and then get together for treats.. I asked Kaden about doing this first so it wouldn't be something that bothered him. I think it means a lot to him when others do things to honor her, but sometimes it's also hard on him. I have told him that different people have different ways of doing things like that. Just because someone is doing something for her doesn't mean he has to be there or feel obligated to participate. All in all I think it's just too much for him sometimes. I can see his point. Nice things are nice, but sometimes a memory is also too painful.
As November 20th approached, I begin to think of things I could do for my mom as well. Our family would have a tough time getting together that day. Because of logistics mostly, but also because it was in the middle of the week and we are not really the kind who gather to mourn. I wanted to do "something" so pretty much I was to the point that I just decided to see if my dad would be in Cedar or Panguitch and try to meet up with him for lunch that day. I asked Angie to trade me days to tend Karver since it fell on my Karver day,.and I wanted to do whatever I was going to on the 20th itself. About that time I realized that Crystal's idea was really the perfect way for us to honor my mom too. I knew in our family it would have to be a toned down version because of the non sentimental members. I decided to contact all my moms family on both sides and ask them to do one nice thing for someone that day in her memory. I got a really good, positive response from everyone. Of course it was optional and no one would know if they did or didn't do anything. It was just something that would be a nice way to join together and make a difference. I was mostly nervous to tell my dad. I contacted everyone first, because I thought he might tell me not to bug people if I asked him. (good plan right?) When I called my dad to tell him my plan, I braced myself thinking he would think it was weird or not want me to do it. When I explained it all to him and let him know that the family was all on board, he said " that's a real nice idea" What???? I was so surprised! He is not mean or negative at all. He just doesn't like to put people out at all. I invited him to meet us for lunch that day and let us know where he would be. He told us to come to Panguitch so that was our plan.
Next I had to decide what I would be doing that day. My first thought was to make a big pot of soup and rolls and go around to some of the older sisters in the ward and visit them. I know my mom loved it when people came to see her, because she couldn't get out much. There are some sweet widows that I love and would like to make the time to see. After confirming lunch with my dad in Panguitch, I knew I couldn't really do both that day. I really wanted to do my thing "that" day because I figured it would be a tough day and that would help turn it to a more positive day. I had mentioned a few ideas to some family and one of them was to do something nice for her friends in Cedar and then it hit me. The dialysis center she spent 16 hours a week in for 11 years was the perfect place to pay it forward in her memory. Her favorite plant is a poinsettia. I get her a huge one from Costco every year. Those were the flowers our family used at her funeral.
The night before I went to Costco for the plant and grabbed a vegetable cheese platter for snacks. Added a couple of boxes of crackers and plates and was ready. I remember my mom telling me often how someone would bring in snacks for then or decorations to the center. She liked it and so did all the others. On Wednesday I woke up nervous and with a headache. Of course the start of a migraine brought on by worry and stress didn't surprise me. Thank heavens for Pepsi and pills!!
Jeff had taken the day off to go with me. I was and am always grateful for him. He supports me in all my adventures, but mostly he is has been a rock for me this past year. I can't say how many times I have expected him to tell me to move on or get over it. Sometimes when I am falling apart (which has been often) I wonder how many more times before he tells me enough is enough. Everyday I am amazed how kind and loving he has been through this whole process. He has put up with my emotional ups and downs, my crazy brain and all my questioning of my beliefs and faith. He has listened to and watched me cry more than I can ever say, and when I feel hopeless he had brought me out of the dark, even though most of the time I am sure he knows it may not last for long before I go down again. So with him by my side I knew I could start the journey to face the dreaded day.
After a Pepsi ( I know my mom would want me to have one, She loved her Diet Coke equally). We hit the freeway, I did pretty good. A few tears here and there, but I did better than I thought I would for sure. As we pulled into Cedar it was another story though. I begin to have a panic attack. My heart was pounding along with my head. I was feeling sick to my stomach and the closer we got to the clinic the worse it got. When Jeff parked he had to help me pull myself together for a minute. I took a deep breathe and got out. He came in with me which helped. My first thought as I got through the door and started looking around was to bolt! Just the feeling of being in there again was overwhelming. The sights and sounds all came flooding back. Looking at the patients there having treatments was just so sad. I realized how hard that had been on my mom day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. The wonderful techs, doctors and nurses truly became part of her family and at that moment I realized the tender care she had received there, was nothing compared to what I had realized at the time. I really wanted Melinda to be there. She was for sure the closest to my mom. She wasn't so that was disappointing. Dr. Asiago wasn't there either. The only person I recognized was Richard the manager. He had done a large percentage of treatments because she had so many problems. He gave her her last treatment in the hospital before she died. He came over and through my blubbering I explained what day it was and why I had come and brought the flower and snacks. He was very kind and promised to tell Melinda and Dr. Asiago thank you from us. The place was pretty dreary so the poinsettia was the perfect thing to bring. I know my mom would have loved having it there to look at. Richard said they all loved my mom and with that I pretty much turned and ran. I may do that yearly. but at that moment you couldn't have paid me to go back inside. I cried as we drove away, but at the same time felt a moment of peace. That is the feeling I will try to hold onto.
We hit the freeway again to go to Panguitch. It had rained on us most of the way to Cedar, so we were not surprised when it turned to snow. I am not a lover of snow and cold, but in the car I like to drive in it as long as it's not sticking. My dad called just as we hit the junction and told us it was snowing and we didn't have to come. I was not about to leave my mission undone, so on we went. When we got the " infamous" Flying M to eat,.( The Flying M is kind of a dive that has been in Pang town for a million years. It is also one of the only places to eat so we pretty much always go there. My dad is probably one of those few that keeps them in business in the winter, since he goes for breakfast and coffee when he is at the cabin and he pretty much lives there now.)I decided to call my uncle Devon and Aunt Vici. It had been a year since I saw them and I figured they could join us if they wanted too. For some reason I can still remember their phone number from my childhood, although I can't seem to remember what I left a room to get. We had a fun time catching up with them and it helped make things easier for us, considering why we were there. When it was time to leave, I asked my dad if he wanted to go to the cemetery with us. He said he would meet us there. We drove out in the flying snow to her grave. Panguitch is SO cold! It amazed all of us the day of her burial how bright and sunny and warm it was that day. My uncle joked that my bossy mom even got her way in heaven because there had never been and would probably never be that nice of a day in Panguitch at the end of November again. Because it was cold windy and snowing we didn't stay long. My dad helped me combine the fall flowers we had put out into one vase and we left a pretty stem of poinsettia on the other side. I am sure she loved it and it really looked pretty in the snow. So that was my day. My gift to my mom and her memory.
A year can go by fast or it can drag on and on. I am not sure how, but last year did both!
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