I can't honestly say I am looking forward to the Holidays. I am dreading them actually. This is the time of year when you should be excited and grateful. I am grateful for many things. I'm just not excited. I feel bad that I feel this way. I used to love it all. I guess sometimes it has been hard because I have high expectations. I want everyone and everything to be perfect. I want the picture perfect day. Sometimes it seems good and some years I feel disappointed. I have made crafts and bought a few gifts, but things like going to the Jubilee or planning a Christmas get together seem like a mountain I can't begin to face.
Last year my mom died 2 days before Thanksgiving. It was a hard sad day because the funeral was going to be on Saturday and so things were pretty glum. That was the day Michon and Kaden came over and we found out we would be blessed with a new grandchild so that seemed to make things so much brighter for the day. After we ate and my dad left all the kids came and we celebrated Callie's birthday. I remember playing a game and all of us around the table with the kids running all over. It was hectic and loud and crazy, but I remember vividly feeling like that night was one of the best nights we had had together in a long time. It was fun and everyone seemed to be enjoying each other. Kind of one of those moments that is frozen in time now.
I know I need to try to move forward and enjoy the holidays not only for my family, but for myself. It is hard to try to wipe away the sorrow from Christmas last year. Just typing this is putting butterflies in my stomach. Losing Michon and the baby at this time of year has filled my heart with dread. I am denial that next week it will one year since losing my mom. I know I have not fully processed losing her. With Michon and the baby dying so soon after that and trying to deal with all the sadness that comes from losing them, I have felt guilty that I haven't mourned my mom more. I am not sure how things will go this year. Last year we were all numb. I want us to get together for comfort and fun, but I also don't want Kaden to feel hurt or pain from anything we do or say. I have no idea what we should do to avoid it so that leaves me worried and scared.
What I "Really" want is to wind the clock back and change what happened to alter our lives forever. I am still tying to accept that this is what happened and realize that someday I will be stronger. I feel like I have had a good last few months for the most part. Part of my dread is that I am afraid I will sink down into that hole again. The biggest part of my worry is for Kaden and Karver. I just want to take their hurt away. I would like to help my dad too but he and Kaden are so much alike it's hard to know what to do.
So here I sit wishing it wasn't November. Trying to be thankful for my blessings. Trying to set aside the hurt and pain for all the rest of our family and realizing that the holidays are coming like it or not and for now I am going with not.
Hope this helps a little. Mourning takes time, and I think you can never completely recover, but I have found this talk helpful this past week.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/11/sunday-morning-session/i-will-not-fail-thee-nor-forsake-thee?lang=eng
President Monson:
"From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”7 Such comfort is priceless."
"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."
I absolutely love this talk, and hope it can help you through this Holiday season. You are such an example to me!