My Mom

To read this post and have it make any sense to you, you will need to read the previous post called the Jubilee of Trees. I need it to be in order for my journal so it makes sense to me.

Friday November 16th continues...
On the way home from the Jubilee I called my Mom. She has had numerous health problems over the years. Including being on dialysis for almost 12 years. We have come close to losing her more times than I can count.
I always call her after dialysis to talk, that way I know I am talking to her at least 3 times a week for sure. I asked her how things had gone that day and she told me they were almost to Salt Lake. I knew that meant things had not gone well. Her access closes off a lot which means she can't have treatment. She has to have it surgically opened again. Happens often and for years the doctors in St. George had been able to fix it. But the last few times they had to send her up North because her poor body was so shot they were running out of options of places to place the access. I told her good luck , Called the Temple to put her name on the prayer roll and told her I would call later. I called my Sister and my Dad later and they said everything had gone fine. They were eating dinner. Then my Dad would stay overnight with her and they would come home in the morning.
Saturday November 17th Called Parents, all was well, They were waiting to be released then after lunch they would head home. Mom said she really wanted to go see her favorite Sister Karen who is fighting Cancer. She hadn't seen her since summer and had wanted to get up there. She told me many times she wished she could up to see her but, She knew Karen was pretty sick and didn't want to bother her.I told her she needed to go see her. Both of them are in such poor health you just can't put family off. I encouraged her to call her and she said they would ..When I called back around noon they were taking Subway sandwiches over to Karen's with big plans to make peanut butter fudge.(a favorite of both of them.)As far as I knew things were great and I was happy for both of them knowing they would have a lot of fun together.
Later that night ...Finished my day doing who knows what and went to watch the news in bed. Close to 11:00 my phone rang..always dread those late night phone calls right? Well this one was no different. As soon as my brother started talking I knew something had gone terribly wrong. He started to tell me what had happened that afternoon and why they were now in the emergency room in Cedar City (that's where they all live). My heart had started racing at the sound of the phone and my first thought was they had been in a car accident. Mitch told me he had an update on Mom for me. I had no idea I needed an update so he filled me in. I guess after we hung up the phone around noon my Mom and Dad were on the way into Karen's building. They had never been there before and Karen was helping guide Mom into around to the ramp. Anyone who has spent time with my Mom knows she is always in a hurry ,she drives that dang power chair as far ahead of you as she can so she can feel independent  The problem is since she waits for no one half the time you have to yell at her to wait or she had to turn around and come back after you catch her. Well true to form she sped off ahead of my Dad as he was unloading the food. She can't see out of one eye and truley is blind in the other so between that and a series of unfortunate accidents she went off a small 6 inch curb in her power chair. The step was so small it didn't even tip the chair which was a blessing. Mom flew out on to the ground though and got banged up. My Dad couldn't lift her and Karen was too weak from treatments to help so a nice man walking by helped Dad load her into the chair again and they went up to Karen's to assess the damages. After getting inside they started to eat. Since my Mom had her surgery on her arm the day before she was already in pain. The fall had caused more pain so she took one of her last pain pills. She was barely able to eat so my Dad told her they needed to leave. She wanted to stay so bad, she started getting out the stuff to make the fudge first. My Dad could tell she wasn't doing to well but, He told her they couldn't stay. Mom said if she couldn't stay at Karens she wanted to go home. She said she was fine. Down the road more than once they pulled over because of the pain. They only had one pill left because they were waiting to fill the perscription in Cedar City. She refused to stop in any towns for help but, by the time they hit Cedar he took her straight to the emergency room and called Mitch. Thats when he called me. I called Kristi my sister and Mike my other brother who had just gotten back to Kanab after being in Cedar. We were all going to wait till Mitch called us back with some answers. I finally went to bed around midnight I was worried so I didn't really fall asleep..but was jarred again by the phone ringing around 1:00 or so. Besides her sore arm from the surgery She had broken her shoulder , injured her wrist and broke the femur bone above her knee in half. These would all be pretty serious and painful to a healthy person but, for someone like her it was devasting news. I told him I could come up and he said they would settle her in and get her drugged up good and see what the surgeon said in the morning. My Dad was exhausted from all the stress and driving so, I told Mitch I would come up for the day and sit with my Dad so he could do his church stuff , then He could come over later and see what was going on. I called Kristi and Mike and told them the scoop. Let them know I would keep them posted and tried to get some sleep.
Sunday November 18th..I got up pretty early (at least for me) and headed up to Cedar. Jeff offered to go with me but, he needed to do stuff for his calling too. I figured I would be fine and could keep him posted as well. Right as I was ready to leave Jeff came back and got me. I am so glad he came and helped me get through the day! When I got there my Dad was sitting in the front waiting room which was completly empty. He was waiting for an orthopedic surgeon to weigh in on the leg. The break was on the leg where her neuropathy had pretty much ruined her foot. She has bones of mush and terrible deformatity. She has been in casts and boots on and off for years but, pretty much in one for the past few. She is really susceptible to infections so having it be her bad leg made the break even worse. We visited with her on and off for a bit and stayed out in the waiting area alot while she slept. The doctor told us he didn't think she could survive the surgery for the most part. Her chances of recoverying were slim to none. She would be in a care center forever and would be taken to dialysis on a stretcher. All these things together with the fact that her access could render itself permantly useless at anytime made it seem pretty bleak. The other option would be amputation. Something that would be a more positive outcome. A long stay in a care center, still the dialysis problem and a possibility of going home totally dependant on us. Going to a care center was something my Mom has always refused to do. Even after other close calls she insisted on going home and it was really hard on her not to mention those trying to care for her. She has had a home health nurse coming for the past year and a half to help with showering and bandage changing but my Dad has basically taken care of her for many years now with a little help from others and alot of help from my Brothers.Knowing she was not going to go for these options Dad started talking about hospice and letting her refuse treatments. My sister texted me to see if she should come down a little after noon.She said my Dad called her and told her she needed to come down.She asked if I thought she really should. I told her if Dad said to come she better. I knew my Dad who never wants to put anyone out would not say that if he didn't think it was necessary. He had called Mike and told him the same thing. We went to see her off and on but she was in alot of pain and in and out of it thanks to medicine. Mitch has a  friend who is the doctor over hospice who happened to be there and came by so, we asked alot of questions and cried alot of tears..For the first time in my life I saw my dad lose his composure. He tried to turn away so we wouldn't see him cry but, off and on all day it happened over and over again. I went down later in the day and tried to wake her up but, she just slept through it. Mitch went down later and was gone a long time. He came back crying and told us she wanted to be done but she was afraid to make that choice. She asked to talk to my Dad . When he left we all knew what she was telling him. By then Mike was close to Cedar and Lindsey and her family who were coming for Thankgiving were too. She said they wanted to stop and see my Mom so they were coming in. I went down after a bit and my Mom asked for a blessing. My Dad who is not a member of our church but, has seen my brother give her many blessings agreed but asked him to wait until Mike arrived. Once Lindsey came we all went in the room as she told us all she loved us and she was scared. It was really hard to watch. Mitch  and Jeff gave her a beautiful blessing to help comfort her and to help her make the best decision and feel at peace with her choice.The spirit was strong but, the blessing felt final to all of us. Lindsey and her family headed out and Kristi was on her way. I called the rest of our kids and let them know what was going on. I will always feel bad because Kaden and Michon wanted to come that night and see her and I discouraged them. I just thought she needed to be in a better posistion first. I drove home in tears.
Monday November 19th I got up early and headed back to the hospital.  Jeff was obligated to pour a big job in Enterprise.I told him it was ok to go. I think because Kristi and everyone would be there and we had some tough decisions to make. We all met with my Mom, her doctors and the hospice people. She signed all the papers stating she wanted no further medical treatments.It was depressing and there was not much else to do at that point. We talked about her giving up her dialysis and how long it would take for her body to shut down. We were told it could take days and they would keep her pain free. She seemed satisfied with that. They brought her lunch. She said if it was going to be her last meal she wanted a shrimp cocktail and brownie and a diet coke. She ate almost every bite. Watching my Dad feed her was tough but tender. She asked for another Diet coke and we made fun of her. It sat on the counter unopened but on ice for later. We all sat in her room and visited for a few hours and then my Dad told me to go home and spend some time with Lindsey and her family. He asked me to come back Wednesday because he and Mike had a deadline to get some cows off the winter range that day. He thought He and Kristi and Mike could stay Tuesday and then I could come up while they were gone Wednesday. I told him that made me nervous because that was a few days away and we really had no way of knowing what the time table was. Because she had eaten and was alert all morning we all felt like things were okay for now. Around 3:00 I decided to head for home and try to get organized for Thanksgivng. I told my Dad to go to the winter range the next day just to be safe. He decided that would probably be best so I agreed to come up in the morning and they said they would leave really early and be back as early as possible. I woke my Mom up and told her I was leaving but I would be back the next day. She said ok. I leaned over to kiss her good-bye but she flinched. Not wanting to hurt her I just brushed her hair aside and touched her hand and said good-bye. I sat in the car in the parking lot. Sent a text to Jeff and all my kids to tell them she had refused all medical treatments and her time was short. I let my Aunts and Uncles know via some cousins. I told them if they wanted to see her they should come as soon as possible while she was still able to visit. I turned my phone off and drove home in tears. When I arrived the kids were pretty excited to see me. I played with them and enjoyed the dinner Lindsey and Callie had made. The house was clean and everyone had really tried to make things easier for me. Jeff was there to comfort me and I really appreciated all of them. I called later to see how she was doing. Kristi said she had slept the rest of the day and night. She hadn't spoken to any of them since I left. Dad and all them stayed till around 9:00 and went home. My kids decided they would all head up to see her after work Tuesday and I would go up for the day and then be home to tend while they went. Jeff was going to meet me in Cedar sometime before noon after they poured the job.
Tuesday November 20th  I don't remember sleeping much but, I must have finally fallen asleep because I woke up later than planned. I hurried as fast as I could to get ready. I was supposed to meet Kristi and 9:00 am at the hospital. I stopped at Harts to get a drink. The sweet ladies there could tell I was struggling. One asked me how my Mom was I kind of lost it and we talked for a few min. When I got in the car I felt and extreme sense of urgency. I hit the freeway and set my cruise to 85 ( I know not safe or legal) I called Kristi and she was still not there. She said she would be there when I arrived. I drove like a bat out of hell (sorry) and when I pulled into park I has a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I kind of ran into her room. Mitch and Kristi were both standing by her bed crying. Kristi was using a suction thing in her mouth. They looked up and Mitch said I think she just took her last breath. I lost it too and had barely made it in the room and she was gone. It was a very peaceful and spritual feeling. I knew for the first time in years she was finally not in pain. I asked about Mike and my Dad. They had decided to come see her before they left. They had just been there and were now out loading trailers. I think she waited for me to come and them to leave. She always went out of her way to spare my Dad pain and worry and I know she knew I would never forgive myself if I hadn't been there. Thats my Mom and organizer and planner even down to her own passing. The next few hours were kind of odd. I felt sad and peaceful at the same time. The first thing we did of course was call my Dad and Mike to come back. Then I started the calling.I called Jeff first, He wanted to come and I wish I would have let him. I guess I just thought it would be awkward for him since it was my Dad and all us kids. Then I called Kaden next. I felt so bad I had discourged Him and Michon from coming up. He didn't take it very well. I called the girls too. One by one. It's hard to keep telling people but as I was calling Moms oldest Brother Devon, Mitch and  Kristi were calling their families and her friends too. I thought sitting in the room with her would be hard. It didn't bother me though. She had no pain and the wrinkles were all gone. She looked 10 years younger. A couple of her dear friends came in right after she died. The nurses didn't stop them which I found buggy. Of course they were shocked and sweet and left quickly. Once Dad and Mike returned and Mitch called the Mortuary we basically sat and waited around for them.They were in Kanab so it took a long time. We talked about all sorts of things including funeral plans. My Mom the planner had it ALL arranged. She told us everything from the time of service to the whole program. She had written her own obituary and we were told by the Mortuary we were not allowed to change it. We all felt bad because it was very generic but we left it as is. We spent the afternoon at my parents house arranging it all. The Kristi and I went and ordered flowers. She headed back to Riverton, I left for home and Dad headed over to the winter range to move cows. It was really weird and final but, Thanksgivng was in between the funeral and everyone needed to spend time with their family. One of the hardest parts in all of this was the guilt...I shouldn't have sent her to Karens..Dad should have made her wait for Him. Karen should have sent her another way..Karen struggled the most. We in fact kept alot of the details from her to save her grieving heart. My poor cousins LeAnn and Aimee had to give her little bits of the story as they thought she could handle it. Lance their brother was super sick and had to stay away for her health but, finally was able to give her a blessing to help her deal with everything. I felt worse for her than us the whole time because they were so close.
It feels good to tell the story and try to find some closure. I am SO glad I was prompted to bow out of the Jubilee. I would have had to left alot in the lap of someone else and I would have been more stressed than ever. As much as this emotional roller coaster had taken it's toll on our family I had no idea what was to come.As I keep recording this journey and finish off the year I am hoping to again find some peace with the pain.