Pretty sure anytime I post about Ashlyn and Ethan it sounds apologetic and insincere.
The truth is, I do carry a lot of guilt in the lack of relationship we have with these two adorable kids. I hate that they live so far away, and that because of $$$, time and the large group of extended family they have, we rarely see them.
I am always happy./ sad when I see them in photos or hear what they are doing.
It feels awkward to call them or Skype them. Even more so now they are older and we don't know a lot about them. I also feel guilty about that. I wish I would have been more confident in our relationship after they started growing up and tried to ease our way into a more consistent way of keeping in touch. When they were little, they would spend time in the summer or holidays here with us. We would go there at least once a year, which isn't much, but at least we were seeing them more often that we do now. They were supposed to come stay here for a week in December, the week Michon died. Life just kind of shut down after that, since then we have only seen them twice! They came here both times and the more I type this, the more ashamed of myself I become.
I have tried hard, as has Amber to keep in touch through the years. Jeff and Shawn have limited communication skills to say the least. This makes their contact with each other limited as well.
I guess it's a boy thing, but neither of us understand it.
We text back and forth. She sends pictures and we chat on the phone now and then. I loved facebook when she had it. That helped a lot too. She gave it up though. Maybe because it has always been Amber and I keeping the relationship working, it feels just like that, work.
I need to just quit worrying about trying to take the fall for "the guys" idea of relationships, and just do what I know feels right to me. I always send them little gifts for the holidays. Nothing much, but if we are doing something for Grandkids I make sure they are included as well. The thing is, that the time we spend with the other grandkids is what bonds us together. I am sure they enjoy the little things I send, but it's just not the same!
Anyway..no matter how it all comes together we are failing miserably at being Grandparents to Ash and Ethan and it weighs heavy on my mind.
This summer as I could see we were not going to make it there again.
Between new babies, funerals, weddings etc. I just felt the sick and the weight of guilt started to consume me again.
I really thought a lot about it, Truthfully I would love to just pick up the phone a few times a month and chat, but I feel guarded and unsure so I never do. They are so cute, open and kind, so I am not sure why it worries me.
I guess I am more insecure in my place in their lives than I thought I was.
I am not sure I ever really prayed about it, in a consistent sort of way. I know I did pray for guidance for someway to try connect with them a little. By all means this was not any big effort. Just had this little idea come into my mind one day and went with it.
I explained it to Jeff to see if he wanted to help decide some of the questions or write his own letter. After no response, I went ahead on my own. I guess it's a "girl thing."
I sat down after mulling things over for a few days and wrote them each a letter. I kept it short and made sure they were individual to them. I told them I miss them and I want to know what they like and are doing these days. Then I enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope and handed them off to the U.S.P.S.
I was pretty excited to see them come back.
They are so cute in their individual style.
Ashlyn is very artistic and free thinking. She answered all my questions in a letter with doodles and pictures. I loved it.
I am still slacking and lacking in keeping things moving, but I hope to try to do this or something similar more often, and that we can make a bigger effort in keeping these kids we love in our lives!
We are planning a trip there any day and we are so excited!!
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